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sheemt
Posts:4
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| 01/15/2009 12:07 PM |
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| What I mean is wasn't that the reasons why you married her in the first place? Wasn't She Sexy, Intelligent, Funny and all around Make you Feel Good??? The only thing that's change is her status!!! Why did you Pigenhole Her??? |
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Shadows
Posts:4
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| 01/30/2009 2:43 PM |
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The section of the book that had the most impact on me was the man describing being out to dinner with several other couples and having a very attractive hostess seat them. The man stated that the entire evening all of the men in the group were thinking of this woman and constantly aware that she was in the room.
I'm sorry but to me this is terribly disrespectful to his wife. It is one thing for the men to notice an attractive woman but to continue to think of this woman all during their dinner is ridiculous! What about their wives, who probably put forth a lot of effort to look nice for the evening, putting on makeup and wearing something nice? If this is the case with men, why even bother?
Especially as we get older, I don't want to feel like my husband is concentrating on the waitress or hostess when we are out together. I do try to take care of myself and look nice, but hey - what's the point if he's going to sit there fantasizing about another woman?
Come on, men - I really don't want to hear that you "just can't help it".
Shadows
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 2:56 PM |
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| Shame on you. Don't you hear the out cry of these ladies. How dare you use our husbands for selfish gain and then boast about it and rub it in the faces of the others here. Just like it is said in the book, maybe the problem isn't as much that men have roving eyes but that there are women roving around vying for their attention and desire. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 2:58 PM |
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Posted By SewReba on 02/02/2009 2:56 PM
Shame on you. Don't you hear the out cry of these ladies. How dare you use our husbands for selfish gain and then boast about it and rub it in the faces of the others here. Just like it is said in the book, maybe the problem isn't as much that men have roving eyes but that there are women roving around vying for their attention and desire.
this is meant for Sheemt |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 3:36 PM |
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| Marriage isn't for the weak. I have also felt discouraged by the book but also empowered and encouraged. We don't want to hide what people deal with, we need to expose it, properly in love, so that they and we can deal with it appropraitely. I too can feel sick when I think about my husband lusting after another woman, but rather than focusing on that, I need to weigh it ALL out. What does he spend the majority of his time doing, how does he treat me and talk about me to others, does he seem to be doing his best in ALL areas? Not just what I want, but his best. If so, I need to be his partner. God did make him to lust after a womans body, but he is responsible for controling the best he can. No excuses, the best he can. Also, our husbands are individuals who are accountable to God. We are not the Holy Spirit, we need to pray for them and let them know how it hurts us but let God do the work in them. You need to make a decision. If your husbands actions are going to cause great harm then take action, talk to him, if he wont listen bring in a second party the HE would trust and see if the three of you can't figure it all out. But, if your husband is doing his best to control himself, again not the perfect faultless actions you want, then support HIM. Thank him when you see him deliberatly look away, change the channel, try to distract himself from the thoughts that are barging into his mind. If you aren't a safe haven for him where he can tell you 'I am lusting and I am trying to stop,' then you can't expect him to not hide it from you. Let God do his job and You do your job -be a friend, confidant, partner in this difficult life, show him TRUE love (be patient, kind, no envy, do not boast, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keep no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.) So many of us have no idea just how much of that we don't live out. You can be a strong partner or a weak, needy nag. It is easier to be the nag, we think we are a victim and want pitty, but God wants strength in us, victorious living, someone he can use to show our husbands 'look at this amazing woman you have, why want anything else?" God can't use our example to 'change them without a word,' if our example is burdensome and destructive. You may be like me and in need of some counseling to deal with insecurities. Because it all comes down to a choice. Regardless of what he does, wrong or right, what kind of person are you going to be? Suppose he never finds the ability to never lust again, are you going to throw up your hands and sob the rest of your life? Does he throw his hands up and sob when you quit your diet, when you complain he doesn't make enough money, when you argue and talk him down in front of others? I bet he gets discouraged and maybe angry, but he probably doesn't own YOUR choices, he keeps on keeping on. We can't own THEIR choices. Do the best with who you are regardless of who he is. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 4:01 PM |
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When a wife isn't controling her thoughts, but it isn't a hot guy
Don't think for one second that your uncontrollable thoughts are any less of a problem than his are.
One more thing. When it means a lot to our husbands that we do our best whether it is cleaning the house, cooking, getting into shape, actively showing him respect and appreciation but we don't what does that say? We think being attracted to another woman (whom we would also admit is attractive) is worse than what we deal with. If you are dieting and you know you should but then you can't get that silky chocolate cake with creamy vanilla ice cream out of your head are you wrong? You don't act on it, but oh how you just wish for a taste of that sweet bliss. You look at your low fat granola topped yogurt and know it is tasty but you are having difficulty getting the other one out of your head, worse you don't even want to eat your yogurt because you really, really want that cake. Or for others, you need to wash 3 loads of laundry, clean up breakfast dishes and last nights dinner dishes, the windows look awful, paw prints and pet hair are everywhere, but you don't want to do it. Your mind is pouting 'i don't wanna' and your are here struggling with what you shall do with this thought. Most will give in, 'I will check my email first, then go check the mail box, maybe call my friend and schedule a play date for this afternoon.' Doing all the 'could dos' before the 'should dos' while hubby has already been working for a few hours and has most of the day yet with only work to choose. Or how about this. You are more articulate than your man. when you want to convey an idea you have a million different word combinations to successfully do so. When your husband and you are talking to some friends he is telling a story and all the while you are thinking, 'are you kidding me? it didn't happen like that! who are you trying to fool? i better find a spot to butt in since he can't take care of this simple story.' We all need to take responsibility for our own choices not other peoples. succeed in controlling your own thoughts before you try to make someone else control theirs |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 4:01 PM |
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When a wife isn't controling her thoughts, but it isn't a hot guy
Don't think for one second that your uncontrollable thoughts are any less of a problem than his are.
One more thing. When it means a lot to our husbands that we do our best whether it is cleaning the house, cooking, getting into shape, actively showing him respect and appreciation but we don't what does that say? We think being attracted to another woman (whom we would also admit is attractive) is worse than what we deal with. If you are dieting and you know you should but then you can't get that silky chocolate cake with creamy vanilla ice cream out of your head are you wrong? You don't act on it, but oh how you just wish for a taste of that sweet bliss. You look at your low fat granola topped yogurt and know it is tasty but you are having difficulty getting the other one out of your head, worse you don't even want to eat your yogurt because you really, really want that cake. Or for others, you need to wash 3 loads of laundry, clean up breakfast dishes and last nights dinner dishes, the windows look awful, paw prints and pet hair are everywhere, but you don't want to do it. Your mind is pouting 'i don't wanna' and your are here struggling with what you shall do with this thought. Most will give in, 'I will check my email first, then go check the mail box, maybe call my friend and schedule a play date for this afternoon.' Doing all the 'could dos' before the 'should dos' while hubby has already been working for a few hours and has most of the day yet with only work to choose. Or how about this. You are more articulate than your man. when you want to convey an idea you have a million different word combinations to successfully do so. When your husband and you are talking to some friends he is telling a story and all the while you are thinking, 'are you kidding me? it didn't happen like that! who are you trying to fool? i better find a spot to butt in since he can't take care of this simple story.' We all need to take responsibility for our own choices not other peoples. succeed in controlling your own thoughts before you try to make someone else control theirs |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 5:20 PM |
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Posted By sheemt on 01/14/2009 10:54 AM
I see this new information as a way to use this to my advantage!! I went to Home Depot last night by myself, I purposely put on my high heels I was wearing at work instead of sneakers! Girls, If you ever want to get a Self Esteem Bost! Try That!!! We are independent Women, inspite of being married or taken. I was that other Women the Men were Looking at and they Could Hear Me Coming Down the Isle and they All Looked in My Direction AND I LOVE IT, IF IT WAS ONLY FOR 5 MINUTES, I GOT THE ATTENTION I NEEDED!!! I also made a point of wearing my High Heels in the house and I let my Husband know that I went to Home Depot, just to make him wonder!!!
Wonder what? How often you prance around for other men? How far you will take it if someone approaches you? Because men know when you are putting out the 'look at me' vibe. Wonder why he isn't enough for you so that you feel it is necessary to go looking around for someone to make you their centerfold-for-the-day? Why would you set those men up to be chastised by their women who may be with them? Or is it to make your husband wonder why he chose you and not someone else? You ought to think things through before you act on it. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/02/2009 5:22 PM |
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Posted By sheemt on 01/14/2009 10:54 AM
I see this new information as a way to use this to my advantage!! I went to Home Depot last night by myself, I purposely put on my high heels I was wearing at work instead of sneakers! Girls, If you ever want to get a Self Esteem Bost! Try That!!! We are independent Women, inspite of being married or taken. I was that other Women the Men were Looking at and they Could Hear Me Coming Down the Isle and they All Looked in My Direction AND I LOVE IT, IF IT WAS ONLY FOR 5 MINUTES, I GOT THE ATTENTION I NEEDED!!! I also made a point of wearing my High Heels in the house and I let my Husband know that I went to Home Depot, just to make him wonder!!! I replied to your post incorrectly, here is what I said the first time.
Posted By SewReba on 02/02/2009 2:56 PM
Shame on you. Don't you hear the out cry of these ladies. How dare you use our husbands for selfish gain and then boast about it and rub it in the faces of the others here. Just like it is said in the book, maybe the problem isn't as much that men have roving eyes but that there are women roving around vying for their attention and desire. I am not out to get you, but I used to be like that and you need to know how damaging your behavior is. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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katharos
Posts:2
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| 02/03/2009 10:32 AM |
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this is in reply to SEWREBA...i get what you are saying about the decisions we have to face and whether we choose to do the right thing in everyday things....but there is no comparison. i mean, i'll just go ask my husband if he'd rather me not wash the dishes for a week or glance into my visual rolodex for a week at the attractive man i saw at target yesterday. what do you think he'd say? and if he complains, i'll just say you need to support me on this. i'll try my hardest not to take a peek, but if i do, get over it--i'm wired like this. God made me and marriage this way to torment you.
I DON'T THINK SO---------
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katharos
Posts:2
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| 02/03/2009 11:08 AM |
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veronica i agree with you. i can totally sympothize. i skipped to that chapter before i read any of the others and i could not even finish it. it made me sick to my stomach and i think i cried harder than i ever have because it seemed to confirm my worst nightmare. it made me feel like i would never measure up for my husband and that any diet or excercise wouldn't be worth it because he'll always be "looking" elsewhere. i think it's disgraceful for the man to say he was sitting there having a 'nice' time with his wife while he had this other woman in the back of his mind. that is cheating his wife out of a good time even if she didn't know he had the waitress on his mind. how is that a nice time?? how could he say that? and the one man verified that men DO compare their wives to the women that they think are attractive because the one man said something about the fact that the girl he glanced at was younger and hadn't had two kids!!!! this is SO sick and unfair! i'm actually mad at God over this. it is hard for me to believe that a God so good that has made us and ordained marriage can 'wire' a man to be this way. it has to be blown out of proportion!   i know this probably doesn't phase some women, but unfortunately, i have a jealous streak and it infuriates me and hurts my feelings to see or think of my husband staring, looking, glancing, recalling or whatever another woman. it makes me feel i am not good enough and i can't understand it. and i don't think it's right for your husbands to do that to you women who don't care. it's just wrong. a glance and an inner acknowledgment that she is pretty is fine, human nature, but for it to go ANY further than that is out of line. i'm not buying the 'visual rolodex'. i'm a visual person too, but i don't pour over past images of attractive men i've seen! and if i see a nice-looking man i will look the other way and try not to entertain anything further than he is cute. i don't immedately wonder if he's good in bed or try to imagine him naked! 
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/03/2009 11:31 AM |
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Katharos
I am not comparing leaving the dishes undone being the same as lusting after someone other than your spouse. What I said was, we need to realize that our uncontrolled thoughts are no less sinful. We shouldn't take certain pieces of the FWO book (or FMO either) and make an arguement, you need to incorporate all of it. Go ask your husband. Let's be honest. I doubt your husband would want you to fantasize about another man, but you and I both know the temptations we face are different. Just because most women have no problem letting an image of an attractive man pass right through and not stick in memory, doesn't mean that we are to chastize our men (husbands, sons, fathers, etc) because their mind works differently.
You also add in the attitude there.
i'll try my hardest not to take a peek, but if i do, get over it--i'm wired like this. God made me and marriage this way to torment you
That is already setting the preface that the wife speaking isn't going to try anyway because she does care about pressing for that standard. Neither is it okay for a man to have that attitude. Furthermore, the torment comes from within the person dealing with their spouses behavior, not from the spouse fantasizing.
It isn't okay to entertain the thoughts, but having an image pop into your mind without you inviting it is not that persons fault. What is done with that thought is the issue. I am not condoning lust, I am however saying that we, as women, need to get off our high horses and stop behaving like our out of control thoughts are any less wrong. They aren't, if it is wrong it is wrong.
Go ahead ask your husband. "If I saw a man who was attractive and I entertained the thought of him sparingly dressed, would that hurt you?" Judging by your snide remarks, there is a good chance he wouldn't be forth coming with you anyway. You are likely so defensive because you have your own inappropraite thoughts that you excuse as being justified. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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SewReba
Posts:19
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| 02/03/2009 11:53 AM |
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katharos said
but for it to go ANY further than that is out of line. i'm not buying the 'visual rolodex'. i'm a visual person too, but i don't pour over past images of attractive men i've seen! and if i see a nice-looking man i will look the other way and try not to entertain anything further than he is cute.
The "visual rolodex" makes sense. I think every person has multiple rolodexes. We recall by choice and by chance images of childhood, of television, of painful experiences and the like. You can agree with that I am sure. But it is what they do with the thought once it is presented that matters most.
If you are on a date with your husband and you can't get it out of your head that it makes you so angry that he would rather watch the game than come spend time with you and the kids, though he is a man that God placed as the head of your family and he is completely able to choose what he will do with his time, is that a good thing for you to do with your thoughts? No, and it is something you, and I, have difficulty with.
I am with you, getting sick at the thought of my husband lusting after another woman, but you can't live life based off of that. We have to find a position to stand in, who we are going to be regardless of what others do or say, and that includes our husbands. I know it is very sensitive, they are the one person we are completely vulnerable to and offer ourselves to. They are responsible for bringing us some of the security in our marriage, but we also need to make sure we don't sabotage it. It is easy to fear and wonder and worry about what your husband MIGHT be thinking about our 'mom' bodies and what they MIGHT be thinking about those 'pre-mom' bodies. But we can't excuse our obsessive thoughts and hold onto them like we are safer with them. 'Take captive each thought to make it obedient to Christ.' 2nd Corinthians 10:5. As a person thinks in their heart, so they will be. What we harbor in our hearts will rule our life. I am praying for our hearts to forgive and minds to release, so that we can be stronger and more successful as the women we really want to be. |
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Self discipline is what we need in order to do the things we must do so that we may have the things we say we want. -JM |
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s1oliver
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| 02/06/2009 11:02 PM |
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There's nothing wrong with you, it sounds like you are married to someone who has a definite problem in looking at other women right in front of your face. In the book For Men Only Jeff discusses this and the path to pornography and how it is hurtful and wrong. I would highly recommend that you get your husband that book and try to explain to him just what the book says, how hurtful it is to you and how you want him looking at you that way. I hope things improve for you, good luck.
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Doug
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| 02/23/2009 12:52 AM |
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all i can say is wow. i have just recently started reading FMO (just finished the intro). but i did read most of the posts here. i will say i am happily married now for 12yrs, and Yes i look at beautiful women. But in no way do i lust for them. maybe i'm a bit different, the way i see it is women are like wild flowers, they are very beautiful but i'm not gonna stop on the side of the road n pick one n take it home. they are nice to look at n that is it. i love the rose that God has given me, she blooms more and more beautiful everyday. not all men lust after beautiful women. just remember in the end when God put before him all the flowers to choose from he chose you.
your jealousy and low self esteme is the devil getting to you telling u that he doesnt' love you or doesn't think u are beautiful.
My advice to married couples and couples about to get married. remember 2's company 3's a crowd. when u get married you and your spouse become 1 and with God as the other 1 the devil can't come in. but if you don't have God in ure marriage the devil will work his way in n soon you become 2 seperates and the devil is 1 thats when it becomes crowded. good luck n i can't wait to finish reading this book. Lord knows i've only read a couple books from front to back in my whole life but i always enjoy reading on how i can be a better husband to my wife. |
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