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Travis
Posts:41
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| 03/15/2009 7:31 PM |
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Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. My name is Travis and I really need help on showing my girlfriend (Rachael) of 18 months (please don't laugh or judge) that I'm interested in her. Pursuing as they call it.
Here is some background to help out:
I have read both For Men Only and For Women Only twice. She has read For Women Only. We have also read The Five Love Languages.
This is the first real relationship that we've both been into. This is also the first relationship period, for me.
We try to keep Jesus Christ in the center of our relationship because we believe that thats the only way a relationship will work to its highest potential. (I hope that makes since) Our relationship with God is not defined by our relationship, just so you know.
I used to be addicted to porn, and stuff that came along with that. But, I have cut that out of my life. I have also been working on controlling my thought life, and what I view (tv, internet, people outside).
We both believe that you should not have sex until your married, and so with that, we are both virgins.
I am turning 21 this year, very soon, and Rachael just turned 20.
Being in college (both of us) we don't have as much time together as we wanted. Along with that, college brings on alot of stress for the both of us.
We have fun together when we do stuff. We also don't feel loved by each other.
I want to keep her, and I believe she wants to keep me, but if that's going to happen, I really need to know how to pursue her (how to show her that I'm interested).
I knew what pursuing looked like when we first started dating, but now I know a lot of stuff about her , and its really hard for me to just think of things to ask her about herself. I really try to be genuine when I ask her questions about herself.
We've had a lot of arguements lately. We haven't had alot of fun together , overall, in the past month or so.
I have never cheated on her. She has never cheated on me. We would never do that.
We do not live together.
This is the only thing I don't have down. Everything else I do:
I buy her flowers, I pay for EVERY meal that we have together, I complement her (and I'm specific on what I am complimenting her on), I hold her hand, I make her smile and laugh, I tell her why I love her and why I have fun with her, I take time out of my week to set aside for her, I make her dinner, I try start conversations with her, I try to have get-togethers with friends and have fun with her in those circumstances, I buy her jewelry (and I know its not about money), I buy her clothes, I have dates with her, I suprise her, I kiss her, I respect her likes and disslikes, I engage in deep conversations with her, I ask her everyday hows shes doing, I ask her everynight how her day went, I play the guitar for her, I wrote her a song, I feel like i do everything for her. I try and want to treat her like she is very percious to me.
If anyone can help, I would greatly appreciate it. Shes ready to leave.
Thank you very much for reading all of this.
Travis
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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flashbeaver
Posts:0
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| 03/17/2009 12:26 PM |
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A general rule of thumb is that after about 1 year of being around someone you both start to understand if the relationship is going to work.
It's possible that maybe she wants some room to live a little. After all she is only 20. Maybe she needs to live on her own for a while and experience life on her own with out other distractions. Such as a relationship.
For myself I needed to live on my own and experience some things before I was willing to say to myself, "Ok, I'm ready to get married now." I'm sure most women have the same feeling. My wife was glad she lived on her own for a while before she met me.
Give her some space. Let her go. If she comes back to you great. If she doesn't, great. Don't hold yourself to, "my first relationship has to be the one" stuff.
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 03/17/2009 1:05 PM |
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Well, we both understand the relationship is going to work. We work out everything. And I'm not saying my first relationship has to be the one, but I do hope that. I don't want anyone else, and I don't want to do this all over again.
I just really need to know how to show interest in her. I've done it before, I've just been slacking I guess. |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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flashbeaver
Posts:0
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| 03/17/2009 2:40 PM |
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Sorry, don't have much else for advise than that.
Women need to be uplifted in the things they want and dream about. It is possible that she could be thinking about something else than getting closer to you right now.
My question is, "Does she really want pursuit? Or is she wanting something else?"
The road of love is very mysterious. How did we end up getting married anyway, how have we stayed married all these years, what is it that keeps me coming back to you, why is it that I can't keep my mind off of you? What is wrong with me?!!!!!!!!!!
These things are too wonderful for me.........the way of a man with a maid.......Proverbs 30:18-19
If you two really love each other(not in love with each other) she will wait while you figure out what she needs.
But you will have to get on your knees before the Lord and accept what ever it is. Even if it means she is not the one for you.
Sorry if this doesn't quite make sense to you, but someday it will. Oh no! I never thought I'd ever say that!
Happy hunting! |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 03/17/2009 7:11 PM |
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| Thanks. That helps. Maybe with not what I was asking, but it does help. |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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flashbeaver
Posts:0
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| 03/17/2009 9:49 PM |
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To cap this with what the book is talking about. Remember, she wants you to be her hero.
It seems that when something is wrong, most of the time our women don't even know themselves what is wrong.
It's hard to tell, but sometimes they want you to figure it out by yourself and then lead them to the solution. Sometimes they even do this if they know what is the problem. They just like this business of you leading and figuring it out and then introducing it into the relationship. I know this sounds weird and confusing but hey, if you want a relationship with a woman, this comes with it. She's looking for a hero.
Now while you are dating, oddly enough, even if your girl friend is wanting out of the relationship she is wanting you to be the hero and introduce the thought that maybe it wasn't made to be. Even though it would mean a break-up she still wants you to be the hero. Takes guts, doesn't it. I've done it a few times before I met my DW. No fun. But nessasary.
Now dont' go off half-cocked and think she is wanting to break up with you. You don't know that yet.
Now is the time to pracitice what you learned in the book and be a real hero of a man and open up communication with her and lay things on the table. Just be sure that she is alowed to have all the space and time she wants to communicate to you.
I would say that after 18 months of dating, now would be a good time to tell each other what each other's expectations are. |
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frezo
Posts:3
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| 03/19/2009 4:38 AM |
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| i think u must ask her to tell u what she is thinking rather than asking urself many questions without answers. if she realy loves u she wll b open and tell u what she wants and take it from ther. |
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boughtw/blood
Posts:10
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| 03/23/2009 10:34 PM |
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| as a woman, it sounds like you are doing a great job. Maybe read the books I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. These books changed my entire view on my love life! They address some of your concerns. Good luck and God Bless! |
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gracemercypeace
Posts:7
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| 04/21/2009 12:31 AM |
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| Travis you are kidding me! I think the problem is her not you!! Flowers, dinne,r a song. I would fall over and pass out if my husband did one of those things even when dating. We were just not doting types. Ok he wasn't .Geeze what more does she want?? Maybe a ring?? LOL. Sometimes women don't know what they have.I applaud you both for remaining pure. I just am a bit baffled does she realize all the little and big things you are doing? WOW! |
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gracemercypeace
Posts:7
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| 04/21/2009 12:32 AM |
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Oh I hit send and thought Maybe she wants you to FLIRT with her!!
HA there you go! Let me know if it works! |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 05/12/2009 3:18 PM |
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| Have you read Boy Meets Girl?? It talks about this, the "next step" of friendship. Best of luck! |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 05/13/2009 8:43 AM |
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I haven't read "Boy Meets Girl" yet. I have a huge grocery list of books I want to read, but that one will be coming up soon.
By the way, we broke up because we felt like God was telling us that he wanted to teach us something, but needed to be alone. So, we're not together anymore...but please feel free to post stuff, cause I still don't quite get what pursuing a girl looks like (thats if i haven't already got it down). |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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Ashley4
Posts:7
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| 12/27/2009 9:18 PM |
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| I LOVE IT when my guy pursues me, and in fact, I wish he would more often. Flirt with her, listen to her (not just hear her) - maybe she'll give you a few clues. Surprise her with things she likes, and yes definitely flirt with her. |
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JoeMS
Posts:41
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| 01/11/2010 3:57 PM |
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Travis, how are things going?
It sounds like you got some great wisdom from Flashbeaver and the others. Maybe it would be worth reminding her that although you'd like to deepen the relationship, you also respect her freedom. You'd respect her wish if she needs more space.
Also thanks for the reminder about pursuit. I need to be more like you! Who knows how good my relationship might be if I were. |
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Travis
Posts:41
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| 01/11/2010 5:48 PM |
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Things are alright. Don't take my word for everything. I'm just a kid (21years old).
Between me and Rachael (my x (I hate saying that word/letter)), she hasn't talked to me in 7 months. I don't know whats going on with her at all. I told her that I would not try to contact her ever again, unless she contacted me first. It hurts not only breaking up, but loosing a close friend, but life has lots of pain. Lots of pain.
I encourage all men who read this to pursue their wifes and future wifes not because you feel loved by her, but because you choose to love her from the beginning. Love is a commitment (words from joshua harris). God is committed to us, no matter how much we love him or not.
Hope this helps. Thanks girls for your imput! |
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~And in the end, The love you take
Is equal to the love you make~ |
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