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Subject: How can I help with my wife's insecurities about my ex?
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milzUser is Offline

Posts:1
11/08/2009 2:10 AM  
Before I met my wife, I had dated a girl for three years and been engaged for almost one. We broke up, and it was good that we did. In the intervening time my ex-fiancee and I have been living on opposite sides of the country. Even so, my wife never having had a boyfriend before me has had an extremely difficult time with the fact that I had been in this previous relationship, feeling deep insecurities that she was only second-best. She feels that I just settled for her instead of feeling the truth of the fact that my ex and I were not the best for each other and she and I are- I was given this amazing wife that I don't deserve.

As it turned out, my job brought us back across the country into the same area that my ex and her husband live. My ex has been somewhat eager to make it clear that there are no hard feelings, and has made overtures of friendship to the two of us. I have tended to respond in the same way, interacting in a friendly manner with my ex on the occasions that we cross paths. I have several times made the mistake of thinking that I can treat my ex (for whom I have not had feelings in a long time) the same way I would treat any acquaintance, and this has tended to hit my wife pretty hard to a really sensitive place. If I act in a friendly (not flirty) way toward my ex, she feels her insecurity proved.

I think that more than any other insecurity, though, this one just takes her off the deep end. When it is triggered, her perspective shifts to having no hope or motivation in our marriage, and of being jilted and cast off, when in reality my love and dedication to her never waver.  The insecurity is so strong that while active, it causes her to twist almost anything I say to try to help into a harmful weapon, nearly always only making things worse.

How can I show my wife that I care about her only, and prove that her insecurities are baseless? How can I help her to understand that my ex is no threat to her, and is not better than her in any way in my eyes? I want to get this thing behind us but for both years of our marriage and even when we were dating, it has always been the unslayable giant of our relationship.
I'd appreciate any advice, thanks!
JoeMSUser is Offline

Posts:41
11/11/2009 3:11 PM  
Do you think she wonders why you would have any communication with you ex-fiance, especially "friendly" communication?
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