Shaunti Feldhahn

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Subject: I'm more sexually wired than he is. Help!
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coffeeloverUser is Offline

Posts:1
04/18/2010 4:34 PM  
All the books out there address the issue that many wives don't meet their husbands' desires for intimacy. But I have the opposite problem! I often feel like my husband does not satisfy my sexual needs, and we don't enjoy intimacy very often (once or twice a week). Most times I have to initiate it. We are both in our twenties and have been married for three years. We are both physically fit and good-looking. And no, he does not have any difficulties in that area. I anticipated an active sex life for our marriage, but we didn't even enjoy intimacy everyday on our honeymoon! When I communicated my concern about this to him, he said he just wasn't as sexual as I was. Is that likely? Is there a deeper emotional problem? I want to feel desired and loved and irresistible to him. What could possibly be the reason we are not enjoying intimacy? Is there anything I can do on my part?
JoeMSUser is Offline

Posts:41
04/25/2010 11:42 PM  
You should address this sooner rather than later. Don't let it fester.
You might want to visit an expert on the topic--maybe initially without him knowing. The expert would help you with information on the factors that can be involved and help you with a game plan.

I'm not aware of any books on the topic but I bet a search would turn up something.

I've heard that there can be biochemical issues that can contribute to this, maybe adrenal/dhea issues, maybe L-Dopa, maybe depression . However he'd have to tell his doctor why he wants the tests--not an easy thing to do. Again maybe an expert would give you a tip and then you could show your husband printed information--it might be better not to talk too much to him about it. When you give it to him you might want to remind him that you love him and try to make him feel desired and respected. (I'm sorry that we are so sensitive but don't communicate that!) You'll recall that if he feels disrespected, he'll respond with anger.

Is there any chance he was abused as a child? Does he enjoy the intimacy you currently share? Is he able to be loving and caring during it?

As you've read in Shaunti's book, guys can be really sensitive about their ability to satisfy their partner. Guys are often not good communicators about their feelings to start with. It can be really tough for them.

I knew a woman from another site whose husband was having performance problems due to new psych meds. She was not getting any intimacy. she was quite unhappy about that and communicated that to him in disrespectful ways. Things deteriorated. He started meeting other women even though apparently his wife was attractive. He was convinced he would not be able to hold onto his attractive wife because of his lack of performance. He felt like a looser and was bailing out of the relationship.

Fortunately some of the men on the site were able to help her understand what her husband probably was feeling and thinking. She learned to be very careful not to offend his sensitivity about the lack of performance. I think in the end he finally understood that she loved him unconditionally and was committed to standing by him as long as he was willing to be a faithful husband and willing to work with his doctor. After many difficult months she reported that things were much improved.

I think in the end it was her unconditional love, her willingness to be understanding about his medical condition and her respect for her husband that were so valuable, especially since he certainly did not deserve them. Obviously he had to agree to do his part, but he would have been stupid for not working with such a great wife.
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