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Jacqs82
Posts:0
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| 01/07/2010 12:23 PM |
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Hi, I bought FWO yesterday and have already learned much about my husband (to whom I've been married for nearly 28years)
My upset has been caused by Chapter 6. I know, of course, that 'men are visual' and that it is normal for them to think about sex 'all the time'.... I had hitherto thought that the thoughts would be wife centred - however that seems not to be the case. Nevertheless that is between the Man and God.
What has upset me is the Doug scenario - you know, the men in a meeting can't take their eyes off a female colleague and the fact that thoughts of her and her sexual capabilities will come back to those male minds forever more....
PLEASE look at this from the poor woman's point of view.... this means that she is innocently doing her work, quite unaware that the men who are supposed to be her friends and workmates, are (and will continue to) lusting after her and imagining her naked etc.......... This fact is reiterated in the story about going to dinner at a friend's house - the friend being a pretty woman.
The thought that men I do not know, or worse still friends, might be decorating their fantasies with imaginations of me has made me feel - literally and physically sick. I never want to 'look nice' again. In fact, what I'd really like to do is shroud myself in a burka to be freed from this awful, unsolicited and repulsive attention.
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JoeMS
Posts:41
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| 02/16/2010 10:47 PM |
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Sick guys will still imagine what you might look like through the burka.
I find it helpful when women dress in a way that does not flaunt their figure. Otherwise guys start to think she is inviting him...
Please don't make it harder for us than it has to be. It can be quite distracting when a coworker dresses inappropriately. We are already bombarded with billboards, and a variety of advertisements on the net. You don't have to look like a Puritan, just don't flaunt what you have and most guys will be fine. |
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Mary Jo
Posts:6
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| 03/24/2010 9:40 AM |
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| My husband and I have had some very blunt discussions about this issue and he gave me what I believe is the most valuable piece of information in my arsenal. Hubby and I celebrated our 21st anniversary in January of this year and I will be bold enough to say that our physical relationship continues to be really satisfying and, despite the pounds I've put on, he continues to find me physically attractive. Now to the important information - he told me once that our years together and the physical relationship we have shared has allowed him to fill his mental rolodex with images of me. He admitted that he still had to be very careful and prayerfully guard his heart and mind when around other women but my efforts to make myself appealing to him have provided him with enough images to keep him from thinking of other women.
When we discussed the whole visual rolodex thing, he found it hard to believe that women don't do the same thing. He mentioned an actor I enjoy and said, "Do you mean to tell me a mental image of him has never just popped into your head?"
"No," I answered honestly.
"You know what he looks like."
"Of course I do. But I cannot bring a detailed image to mind without lots of effort. Even then, it's a general impression of the fact that he's handsome, not a detailed image of his physique."
My husband's response was simply, "Wow."
I think we women do men a great disservice to assume that noticing a beautiful woman automatically means they are lusting after her. It can become that with little effort I believe, but I don't believe that my husband automatically fantasizes about every woman he sees just because he notices that she is attractive. |
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nazarene
Posts:7
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| 07/10/2010 4:33 PM |
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Now you know why women in other countries, Islamic one's are required to dress modestly. It is not for the women in the culture but for the men. I am not into repression, and I think these rules are too strict.
I can see how this is a tough issue, women having to pay for a man's sins and tendency to lust and fantasize, or at least observe. Let's not forget, God must have made us this way for a reason. If both men and women only had receptive interest, the ball would never get going. If, in our culture, women dressed more modestly, I would be happier. Women would also be less insecure about their looks, I think. Even so, when a wife and husband meet each other's needs sexually and emotionally, I think this neutralizes a lot of the effects of culture. When these needs are not met, or worse, belittled, watch out.
yeah, other guys are going to undress you with their eyes, and remember you. I'm suprised that women just don't do this. I mean, I believe it, but I'm still processing it, and sometimes I can't believe it fully. But then I remind myself of receptive desire, as opposed to active/agressive. Hmm, a parallel- maybe women notice emotion in others and create an emotional rolodex, in the same way that men create a visual rolodex. But I am also aware emotionally if I want to be, so it's a bit different. I can easily recall emotions when I was paying attention.
Yeah, I'm single and I want to clear out my rolodex and fill it with pictures of my future wife. Josh Harris of covenant church is really good in this topic of sex, dating and courtship and he comes with a youthful energy. I am 28 and turning my thoughts to marriage, when it is God's will. So long as the guy feels desired and you work at staying attractive and being delightful to him, delightim him, he shouldn't stray. If he does, then he's truly sinful. But other men will- especially those who don't have such a wife- and you just have to accept this as the nature of the other gender and decide how you want to respond accordingly. This makes me wonder.. do people like Marlyn Monroe not even realize deep down why men are attracted to visuality? Women probalby like mystery, things left to the imagination. Men like nothing left to the imagination (and it's not because we are pigs). So therefore the more you leave things concealed, the less lusting and fantasizing there will be. |
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Julibeth
Posts:1
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| 07/23/2010 5:20 PM |
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| From FWO Pg. 123
"They make rigorous decisions to avoid unwanted visual invitaions, to turn away from those that arise, and--when unwanted pictures arise anyway--to rip them down with all sorts of diversionary tactics. I heard that mentally running through baseball scores and household projects were popular thought substitutes! Honestly, it sounds exhausting."
Am I missing something here. As one of those women who is visual saying, "Remove that from me, Lord." works.
It seems to me that men, Christian men, are trying to fight this by themselves.
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kristy
Posts:3
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| 09/12/2010 7:23 PM |
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| I find it sad that you are not understanding the purpose of this book....or so it seems by your comment. Poor women? I understand somewhat of what you mean...but at the same time, c'mon. The purpose of the book is to understand men more...not to focus on women and "their side". The only men that are "lusting" are the ones that are purposefully imagining things. You've obviously not read this book with an open mind and non-judgement attitude. The men said they do all they can to re-focus their attention. They are actively fighting images. And seriously? Not all women dress appropriately and they bring it on themselves. My husband had a coworker that dressed with parts of her body exposed and flirted with all the men and invited them to explore her...whether they were married or not...all the while, she was married. I highly recommend you re-read this chapter, first praying that God opens your eyes to the point of the author. |
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Sweet
Posts:3
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| 10/04/2010 2:33 PM |
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| Im the only female in the office where I work...I purposely don't dress for any attention and save all the eye candy for my boyfriend. I believe if you will pray and believe God to guard your husband, God will set an atmosphere that will keep your husband's rolodex filled with you... |
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john
Posts:13
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| 09/07/2011 4:53 PM |
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Jacqs82... Please understand that the situation with doug and the thoughts that come in are not indicative of what he truly WANTS. This is just like being tempted with overhearing the salacious gossip that you were not supposed to hear, something provokes you to be entertained, but you sit there in protest "WHAT THE HECK? GO AWAY". Or like anger, some one cuts you off in traffic or pushes the right button, "I OUTTA ____ ______" comes up in your mind or heart, but weather you flip out or flip someone off is still future untold and you must choose not to.
I assure you that most christian men are not VIEWING you that way, OK? Its not difficult to fight that off if a woman is dressed normally. A lot of men may not even think of sex in that circumstance at all. But take the clubber girl that runs down the street hooping and hollering and screaming "wwoooooooooo", not only do you turn your head because some woman is making such an obnoxious noise, but then on top of it all you seem to notice is some random womans bare rear end hanging out, REALLY???
So not only is that image INVOLUNTARILY stuck but it annoys you because if it ever does get recalled the first thing you hear is "WOOOOOOOOOOO".... UGH.
Its not wonderful. Obviously if i hear a ruckus of brash women coming near I go out of my way to pay it no mind, even with the attitude of protest. If i see suggestive ads or seduction, i associate it with the same thing,
I can see how you would be grossed out, I too have been around OTHER MEN who have "other preferences" that have undressed me with the eyes, YEAH its really creepy and makes me want to take a shower.
BUT PLEASE, not all of us are bent on unruly lasciviousness, we are not dogs.
With that said I do see your point because you have no idea who is or isnt doing this, but I could say the same about the men who have "other preferences" too, but why should I |
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Angela
Posts:7
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| 09/10/2011 1:42 PM |
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I believe if you are a Christ centered woman, you can trust in the Lord. God made men and women to be who they are for a reason. If you ask God for understanding and wisdom (and possibly healings for you and your husband), then He may provide it. It is important to pray for our men, and other individuals we know that perhaps struggle with these types of issues. We are all weak in the flesh and God is our strength. Satan wants families to fail, so if we just get angry and resentful toward our men who need our encouragement and guidance (and most importantly our prayers), then we lose out on our chance to reach for God in our lives. Men must also recognize that just because a thought enters their mind doesn't mean they've sinned. IT IS WHAT THEY DO WITH THOSE THOUGHTS that determine their purity. If they can call on God to remove the thoughts, or think of other distractions, how great do they love their wives and Christ. Therefore, any worries or bad thoughts that anyone should have lift them to God and trust in Him to do what is needed. Also discuss these issues without contempt or judgement and use it as an opportunity for growth and change.
I hope this was encouraging and insightful. God Bless |
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